Saturday, July 07, 2007
Has anyone ever burned through the love of their public more quickly or with more finality than Robin Williams? Oh, right. Cuba Gooding Jr. I forgot about him. George W. Bush? Oh, yeah. Him too.
Well, Robin, cheer up. There is always next year, when you're due to have two hilariously hilarious films released. First up is Old Dogs, the plot of which (according to IMDB) unfolds thusly: Two friends and business partners find their lives turned upside down when strange circumstances lead to them being placed in the care of 7-year-old twins.
Then America will celebrate the release of The Krazees, which according to IMDB tells the following story: Unable to deal with his daughter reaching puberty, a psychologist (Williams) has to get a handle on his emotions, which have come to life as different characters.
Following that winning formula, I came up with a few movie ideas that I think would be perfect vehicles for Mr. Robin Williams. Robin, if we get on this right away we could have all of these out for Christmas of '08!
Polecat!: A researcher at the North Pole gets brain frostbite, and returns home thinking that it's 1955 and that he's a jazz clarinetist in the Dave Brubeck Quartet. His doctors tell the family that he's got to come out of his delusion on his own, and that if anyone tried to wake him back into reality the shock could kill him. The whole town dresses and acts like it's 1955 and everyone falls in love with a simpler time. Snoop Dogg could play the mayor.
Tooth & Nail: The tooth fairy is called out of retirement after his replacement signs an endorsement deal with a candy company bent on rotting out the teeth of every child on earth. The turncoat tooth fairy could be played by Dane Cook!
Hip Hop Henderson: a repressed middle-aged accountant takes a sabbatical from his job and begins a new life as the world's hottest rap artist. Queen Latifah could be his manager! Will he return to his old life or won't he?
The Bowling Greenes: Professional bowler "Booger" Greene tries to encourage his teenage daughters to continue in the proud family business, but they want nothing to do with it. He gets advice from his bowling ball, which speaks with the voice of Patton Oswalt! The daughters could be the Duff sisters.
The Jumping Beanes: An Evel Kneivel- like stunt motorcyclist named Herbert Beane travels and performs with his wife and three children until his wife files for divorce and takes the kids with her. In an effort to prove himself to them, he hires a new family, and plans the most spectacular family stunt of them all! The hired wife could be Wanda Sykes!
If you have any ideas of your own, please post them in the comments section. I know for a fact that Robin Williams reads this blog several times a day and he'll probably make a movie based on all of your suggestions.
Deep Sunshine covers "Final Countdown". I love the way that little kids runs off screen just as Deep Sunshine turns it up to eleven.
If I'd just seen this on television and had no way to access it again I would eventually just come to think it was just a dream.
From Stand-Up Muscleman Dave Attell:
“You know when you're young, you think your dad's Superman. Then you grow up and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape.”
Examples of "jokes" from Cook's live show, found on the web;
You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, f**k that.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It’s gotta be so hot.
On the game Monopoly: We were so poor growing up, that little iron...we had to actually use that little iron. That's not funny. It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron.
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not"
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say WHY NOT ME?!?!
There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody f**king likes. If you don't think so, then you're the person!
My brain is so fantastical.
I'd like to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty, my balls glow.
One brother, five sisters. Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
There's much more Cook material out there, dutifully cataloged on devotional websites, but it's all about at the level of these examples. A lot of it is thuggish, bully humor, directed at retarded adults, children, women and people that Cook and his crowd feel are beneath them; people who work in retail, fast food workers, poor people and homosexuals, among others. Again, he doesn't use humor to insult them, he just uses his own brand of stupid caveboy cruelty. Also, he subscribes to the philosophy that loud equals funny, and louder equals funnier. Wasn't true for the overrated and largely forgotten Sam Kinison, and it's not any more true now 15 years later.
If you've heard Cook say something funny, chances are the creation of that joke is in dispute somewhere, as he's widely known to steal jokes.
For the record, Louis CK is usually brilliant (his embarrassingly stupid "itchy" routine on the MP3 notwithstanding).
Here's a Rolling Stone article damning Dane for the lack of actual humor content in his performance.
The best/worst part of the whole "Dane Crook" thing is that his fans argue that it doesn't matter that he steals material. They don't care that he's not funny. They don't care that he's not original. They don't mind that he is kind of a jerk with his fans. They love him despite his utter lack of value as a homo sapien. How can you argue with that?
Here's a note perfect MAD TV skit dissecting Dane Cook's act and persona. Sorry about the quality, but Fox has taken down all of the good looking versions on YouTube.
Friday, July 06, 2007
I'm man enough to admit that I parallel park like a 10 year old. I've been driving for decades now and still it takes me about a half dozen tos and fros to fit into even the largest available space. I've studied with the great parallel parking masters of Europe and Asia, but I'm still a menace in this one specific area of driving. Due to constant contact with the curbs of Seattle, my right front hubcap was destroyed and is now gone. The left one is an eyesore.
I see 16 year old kids- hopped up on meth, sugar and hormones- park as gracefully as swans giving their keys to a valet, and inside I die a little.
My solution is to get really rich and hire one of those meth kids to drive me around. I'm still working toward that goal.
I just watched Dr. Bronner's Magical Soapbox; a documentary on the Sundance Channel about the famous Dr. Bronner, inventor of that wonderful do-anything liquid soap that everyone seems to love. He was an eccentric, nutso kind of a guy, with some crazy ideas, and some amazingly sane ideas. The percentage of shit to shinola may never be accurately tallied in our lifetimes.
This link will explain all. Check it out if you get a chance.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Only 21 percent of Americans polled aren't outraged by this chicanery. You could pick those mouthbreathers out of a satellite photo.
By the way, this is an image of Bush made up of hundreds of images of assholes.